What I Am Thankful For

I am thankful for...

my family far and near.
friends and neighbors who are so thoughtful of me and my family.
a home to live in and enjoy.
new opportunities to learn and grow.
a means to help support my family.
this free land.
the plan of salvation.
pain that helps me to learn. ;)
a husband who is my best friend and who will challenge me and help me to become stronger.
a son who has a desire to do what is right and is the light of my life.

Remembering...

Thanks to my sister-in-law and the fact that I am collecting some pictures for my mother-in-laws birthday present, I am having some flash back moments...

The little man has grown so much!

Twilight...

I am sooo bumbed. Because of all the things going on in my life right now and all the responsibilities that I have as an adult, I will not be seeing Twilight until next week some time. I am so disappointed.

So, all you people who have already seen it, I am happy for you!

I will definitely be seeing it with my hubby. I was going to go tomorrow afternoon with The Man Who Has My Heart and his aunt and uncle and some other friends... Instead, I will be cleaning and preparing for many things going on in my life next week. After Tuesday, it will be much different. Maybe Wednesday while The Little Man is at school, we can go see it. Time will tell. Of course, there is Thanksgiving day, but the The Little Man would have to go with us and I am not sure how he would feel about seeing Twilight or if it is even appropriate for him at the age of 8.

I heard some mixed reviews about the movie, so far. Some who loved it and others who thought it was stupid... I hope I will enjoy it.

The morning radio show that I listen to, 94.1 KMPS, have been talking about the movie and the books all week. They had a ride up to Forks, WA where Ichabod Caine lived as a child. This morning they interviewed Forks Mayor, Nedra Reed. That was kind of cool.

I find it amusing that no one will actually be watching Twilight in theatres in Forks, because, there is no theatre in Forks. Twilight has been good for their economy, though. The locals have really embraced the whole fan base.

Anyway, until I see the movie, I will just have to continue to look forward to seeing it with anticipation.

There's Snow in Those Mountains!

Yep. Fall is here! Winter is coming!

This Man Really Scares Me

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2008/oct/31/washington-times-kicked-obama-plane-finale/

I pray Obama does not win the election. I really think he is a sick man. Reading things like this about him sends all kinds of red flags up with me. Corupt. Corupt. Corupt!!! Something to hide. Doesn't want any real digging by anyone who doesn't support him... As much as I dislike John Kerry, I think this Obama is far more evil....

Here's How I See It...

OK, I guess I am in one of those phases of being completely stuck on something I can't let go of. Call it OCD, call it whatever you like. Thing is, it is something that bothers me.

OK, I am LDS. I have not done or said anything to lead anyone to believe contrary to that and I am not about to start. I fully embrace the Gospel and have been blessed immensely for it. I have friends and acquaintances that believe very differently than I do. I still love them and I still want them to be happy. I am not wishing for anything bad for them because they do not believe the same way I do. I am not even going to condemn them for not believing the same as me.

Here is what I am thinking... I have been taught and I believe that drinking alcohol is morally wrong. Yet, it is legal to drink at the age of 21. I still have my right to believe it is morally wrong and am not condemned for it. And I am not out there in people's faces at the bars telling them that they are sinners...

So, in m opinion, when it comes to homosexual "marriage" being legalized? Some of the overactive, overbearing "activists" screwed it up for all of us, both homosexuals and heterosexuals.

From what I understand, homosexuals want legal rights; protection for themselves and their partners from persecution and able to "live their lifestyle in peace." Am I wrong?

Here is how I see it; if it had not been jammed down every one's throats and forced into our homes and schools, they could have had what they wanted. You don't see them teaching youth at any age in schools that they should consume alcohol. Yet, it is legal at the age of 21. And there are even those who would persuade the youth NOT to drink and tell them they will regret it... Their free agency still allows them to do it if done responsibly.

Doctors are still aloud to tell their patients that it is wrong or even refer them to other doctors or refuse to see them if they are not following what is recommended. They are not forced to treat them. And, if a doctor is not willing to treat me because of my beliefs, I don't want them to treat me! I will look for another doctor. I prefer to have those around me who are looking out for my well being to be on the same page as me.

Anyway, that is my take on all of it. The reason they are getting so much opostion is because of the actions of some who took things WAY too far. I have the right to protect my son from influences and teachings contrary to my beliefs. I will still teach him that it is wrong, just as I will teach him that drinking, drugs, sex before marriage, etc is wrong. And I will still continue to also teach him that those who do not believe the same as us are still good people and worthy of love. I still love and care about the people in my life who do not believe as I do.

OK, maybe I can let go of this, now.

Is This Nation Really Coming to This?

Wow... This is REALLY unsettling.

"Democratic strategists and advocates for black voters say they understand officers wanting to keep the peace, but caution that excessive police presence could intimidate voters."

Intimidate, how???? To keep the peace? That's a bad thing?

I am not racist against blacks. This comment is just stupid and makes blacks look bad. Are these strategists trying to imply that a police presence would intimidate voters to vote differently than they want to? Or not to vote at all? If they aren't doing anything wrong, what do they have to fear by a police presence? Or am I just naive? Is there something I am missing?

How Does It Effect Me?

Let me tell you how same sex marriage effects me directly. I am loosing my rights to believe that homosexuality is morally wrong.



Yes, it is my business... My religious rights and freedoms are in jeopardy.



From the Churches web site...
"The focus of the Church’s involvement is specifically same-sex marriage and its consequences. The Church does not object to rights (already established in California) regarding hospitalization and medical care, fair housing and employment rights, or probate rights, so long as these do not infringe on the integrity of the family or the constitutional rights of churches and their adherents to administer and practice their religion free from government interference. "

When Gay Rights and Religious Liberties Clash Where are MY rights?

So, anyone who tells me it is none of my business, is wrong.

This is not OK with me.

God's Way

With all that is going on in the world right now, there are so many pulls in so many different directions. There are people who are getting in each others faces over issues they feel strongly about. There is contention and anger.

Living in a very liberal state, I get attacks on my beliefs quite often. Everyone at work knows that I am LDS. They have asked what I believe and I have told them. I have shown that I live what I believe.

Many times conversation will turn heated. When it gets to that point, I leave the situation. Sometimes this makes my co-workers more upset because they can not sway me to their views. I have more recently taken to putting on my MP3 player and playing Conference talks to stay out of the whole drama.

My blog here I feel is a safe place for me to be free from those unwanted attacks on my beliefs and a place for me to speak mine.

There are so many people I know that are so determined to continue to do things the worlds way. Regardless of circumstances, it is always what is "Politically Correct", what the media dictates or what is popular. I will admit that there have been quite a few times in my life that I have allowed myself to be influenced by all that. I have been there and I have been here. I know the difference. I have tried it the worlds way, and I have and am continuing to try it God's way.

God's way brings me much more peace within myself and joy that I never could have experienced otherwise. I have understood new things that I never imagined; both about myself and about life/existence in general. I am not damned as I was when I did things contrary to the Gospel. Damned being quite literally what happens when you put a damn to stop water... to slow the flow or "progression".

It is interesting the mentality I had before about being damned... thinking it was a torture of living in hell. Now I understand that it is being prevented from progression and eventually to become like God. Actually, I guess with what I know now, that if I were to go back to the world's way that it would be like living in hell... knowing and understanding what I had given up.

I am so grateful to have an understanding of God's eternal plan for me. To know that he loves all of his children. To know that he knows me.

I am grateful for the Savior and the sacrifice that he made in Gethsemane in suffering for my sins. He loves me and continues to be a mediator between me and my Heavenly Father. He understands all my pain because he suffered it. He died so that I can live again. He lived and showed me how to live by his example and teachings.

I am grateful for a living prophet. I know that he is a mouth piece for the Savior. I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is His only true and complete church here upon the earth. (Others may have partial truths, but not the fullness.)

I am grateful for parents on this Earth who never gave up on me and who continue to pray for me.

I am sad when I see things happening around the world and realize that people have their free-agency and they choose to do things that take them further from God.

Just to be clear as to what I believe...

I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman and that marriage is ordained of God. Anything else is not in keeping with his plan.

I believe in life and that it begins at conception. I believe that termination of a pregnancy is murder and against God.

Using excuses that God made them that way is a cop-out. We all came to this Earth knowing we would have challenges and we accepted them and wanted the opportunity to have a body and to progress. Yes, I do believe that there are individuals who struggle with same gender attraction, but I also believe that acting on it is wrong. Just as I believe that pre-marital sex is wrong in a heterosexual relationship.

We all have different challenges that we face and need to overcome. I definitely still have plenty of my own. But I will not use the excuse of "God made me that way" to stop me from overcoming my challenges.

I am severely overweight. If I use the excuse that "God made me that way" and do nothing to overcome it, it will kill me. I suffer from depression, but if I use the excuse that "God made me that way" and decide to stay in bed all day and not take care of myself and my family, nor clean my house nor go to my job... there will be undesired consequences for them as well. It is all about overcoming our challenges and working toward becoming better and making God a part of the solution not blaming him for making us that way.

IQ Score...

Can that thing really be that accurate? I followed the link from my sister's blog. Her score I am not the least bit surprised in. I must say I am a bit surprised by my results. My husband and son are the geniuses, not me... Heck, my brother is a genius! He is the one with the mind that leaves me dizzy just trying to grasp all that he knows without even going in to what he understands. Not to mention his wife as well as their children...

So, I think I will follow suit with my sister... I will, "Try to keep from rolling my eyes." But, will secretly revel in the fact that some little test out there says I am smart and pretend it is true... ;)

New Book I Just Read!

OK, I needed another book to read... So, Aunt Sariah let me borrow her book. It is called, With Every Breath by Lynn Kirland. This will be the next series to absorbe my spare time and provide escape. ;) There is adventure, romance, time travel, action... and it is CLEAN!!! No smut! I highly reccomend.

Beef Jerky and Dead, Bloody Caterpillars- Little Man's Perspective

The Little Man is a genius. No, seriously! He is! We had him tested. He has a high IQ. He is extremely intelligent.

From the time the child could learn how to talk, it was endless questions and analogies. He would rephrase the same question as many different ways as he could, making sure it would be the same answer. If this wasn't enough, he would also ask specific questions with specific answers in mind and was not very tolerant of variations of the responses. Funny kid. His mind has ALWAYS been going.

So it cracks me up when he comes up with some of the things he does...

Back in December, we were at my sister's home for Christmas. The Little Man has a love for beef jerky. As he was walking past the downstairs bathroom/pantry/entrance to the kitchen, he comes to my sister and tells her that he didn't know she had beef jerky and wanted to know if he could have some. My sister responds that she didn't know she had beef jerky either. He responds that she has to have some because he saw some on the floor where he had just been.

My sister had been working on potty training her 2 youngest children... You got it! When The Little Man showed my sister where the "beef jerky" was on the floor, it had actually been something brown that fell out of somebodies underwear. Eeeeew! Nope, not beef jerky!


The latest was this evening when he comes downstairs and tells me he can't play upstairs because there are dead, bloody caterpillars on the floor. Once again I go to investigate... can't possibly be dead bloody caterpillars, but I had a pretty good idea as to what it was... Unfortunately, I was right.

See, Spaz has this thing for bringing his "toys" and "dinner" in the house... Rodents that should be left outside in whatever form he leaves them. It never used to be anything other than a corps left out for me to clean up. Eventually it progressed into bringing them in "live" to play with. Now, it has progressed to the only thing he leaves is a liver... Yep. Again, I am now cleaning up a couple livers Spaz has left as "presents" for me. But as The Little Man sees it, they are dead, bloody caterpillars.

This kid can also argue his point of view like no other 8 year old I know. The child definitely has lawyer in his blood. I had The Little Man's dental hygienist tell me that she thoroughly enjoyed talking with him and that it was like talking to a little adult. She then told me that he also reminded her of her own son. Then she asked me if I have problems with him in school. I confirmed. She told me not to worry. She said her son had been the same way, but once he made it to college, it was all good. He is now a successful biochemist making triple figures.

I am just waiting for the next entertaining perception that he comes up with. And as always, desperately trying to figure out how to stay one step ahead of him with all of his questions and arguments... Love that kid!

Animals… We have 2 cats and a dog.

Spaz is the smart one. He is a huge, grey/black/brown, striped tabby, weighing in at 15lbs. He dares to step between the dog and her food, bone, treat, whatever; without without giving it a second thought - and WOULD win any fight between them. Though he does not come off as being aggressive, just "demands" his space/wants with his actions/attitude.
























To give an idea of the intelligence of this cat, we can ask him questions and he will answer us (if he feels like it). The biggest thing he has done is helped in retrieving cat #2. Whenever Wheezy has gone missing (from the very beginning), we would tell Spaz to bring him home, and he would. He would go retrieve the "prodigal" cat.



In the house we lived in before moving into our new home, the dog was never aloud inside. She was strictly an outdoor dog, but she also had full access to the stand alone garage. Spaz would saunter over to the dogs food bowel or water bowel whenever he felt like it, the dog would charge at him and he would just stand there. I think it kind of freaked out poor Paloma.



Since moving to our new home, Paloma has become an indoor dog and is quite enjoying it. She is a blond "Chug" (Chuaua/Pug). Being that Wheezy is EXTREMELY skittish… Wheezy is the stupid, little, wimpy one that startles if you breath wrong. He has long black fur with white boots in back and tips on the front. He is beautiful in his own way.



Wheezy (Wimpy) is terrified of the dog. In our old house, he would avoid Paloma at all costs. He never really had to pass the dog, but if the dog happened to be at the chain-link fence at the same time and she "charged" at the fence (50 feet away), Wheezy was outta there in a flash.
When we moved in to our new home back at the end of May, we had all 3 animals in the house. Paloma has a kennel that she sleeps in at the bottom of the stairs that she get locked in at night. The cats' litter boxes and food are upstairs away from the dog. We tried our best to make arrangements for comfort for them, too.
























Well, after a short time, Wheezy took off. I am not sure if the dog kept charging at him and torturing him or if he was just being a wimp, but he took off. We have a screened flap/pet door that the cats have been given access to the outside. I didn't really worry about Wheezy venturing past the dog at the bottom of the stairs and assumed he would just stay upstairs. I was worried sick. I was sure that the local wild life had eaten him for a snack. He was gone for over 2 weeks and at that point, I had decided he was dead.



I had kept asking Spaz where Wheezy was all this time, but was sure there was no retrieving him. Eventually one night, we look in the back yard and there is Wheezy. He was a little thin and dirty, but seemed OK. We went back into the same cycle again several more times, each time wheezy was gone, I would ask Spaz to bring him home.



Eventually I realized that Spaz would walk to the front door and meow when I asked him to bring Wheezy home. One of the occasions I actually opened the front door. He walks outside and to the front of the garage and plops down on his side and just lays there. I figured, he was just being too lazy to go out his window and he was taking the opportunity to get me to let him out the easy way.



It was a beautiful evening so I decided to follow him out to my bench by the front walk by the front of the garage to enjoy the view. As I get to the front of the garage, just around the corner, there is Wheezy. Spaz give me that look of, "I told you so."






















Presently, Spaz is in a bread pan/loaf shaped basket on the floor that I have for sorting mail, taking a snooze while The Little Man is playing tennis on the Wii. Paloma is outside because she was making me nuts and Wheezy? Who knows. Maybe he took off again. Maybe he is cowering somewhere in the house out of sight until it is my bed time and he insists on torturing me with his "affection". He will jump on my lap, come up to my face and head butt my CPAP mask off and then rub himself all over me. Why did I worry so much about finding this annoying little pest?

Finished Breaking Dawn! - Spoilers

OK, I finished it last night. (Yep, I'm a slow, thorough reader.) I liked the ending for the most part. It seemed a little rushed though...

As far as the book rating, I think the general consensus with everyone I have talked to about it is, I have a rated R imagination. ;) And based on my experiences, it won't be the same for a young lady who has not been married ;).

If there were a 5th book, I might not read it, just because I feel like I have lost interest, now... It was just all wrapped up too quick... For all the details she puts in to so much of the other books and even this one in the beginning, it just wrapped up way too fast.

I do have my own little "fantacy" or predictions as to things that I would think might happen further on in their history. For one, I do not think Jacob would have any competittion once the other half breed met Leah... I think they would imprint. ;)

I must say, Emmett is VERY MUCH like the Rocket Scientist! I could TOTALLY relate to Bella in the suggestive and sexually overtoned teasing. However, Rose is nothing like the Rocket Scientist's wife as far as being self absorbed.

At work, now, so will blog more on this later...

Breaking Dawn...

OK, I am about 1/2 way through the book. The Man Who Has My Heart has finished it. It is a good book and seriously blind sided me and went in a direction that I did not expect. I think those who were so disappointed and even irritated with the characters behavior before, might actually even like this one (Nicole).

I do have to say that I question the "rating" of this one... I think I would almost put it at a rated PG-18+ and married by Mormon standard. If I had a teenage daughter, I would probably not want her reading certain parts. I know for sure that I would not want my son reading it until he is home from his mission AND married. I don't know. Maybe it is because I have had more "experience" and so where my mind is aloud to wonder makes that "rating" higher. I will be interested to hear others feelings on that one.

I am not reading anyone else's posts nor will I read any comments left on my page until I have finished reading the book. I do not want ANY spoilers. I am still completely interested in the book and characters and am enjoying it. I just wish that Edward was not quite so miserable. I hate "seeing" him like this. Poor guy.

I won't even let my husband tell me ANYTHING and am a little irritated in the blond jokes he kept telling me. Didn't ruin anything, but still... If there were ANY chance, I would be furious!

Eating Artichokes

I have memories as a child of the first time I ever tried artichokes. Mom made them for all of us. She melted butter into little saucers for us to dip the artichokes in. I remember loving them. And then I remember Dad introducing me to dipping them in mayo.

I started a new memory with my own son tonight. We had artichokes. The Little Man was so excited to try something new and I was so afraid he was going to be disappointed.

I finally got them all made and had 3 small saucers consisting of mayo, creamy cilantro dressing and creamy pear dressing and a bottle of butter spray.

We sit down to eat them and it is too hot for the Little Man, still, so he goes off to play until it cooled down some.

When he got back, he lightly scraped off some of the tender meat from the leaf and his response was, "This is incredible!"

"What? Are you saying you like it?"

"Oh yes! These are better than carrots and they are my favorite vegetable."

"I am so glad you like it! Would you like to try a little something on it from one of these bowls?"

"No. It might ruin it. I guess this means I like artichokes better that you do, huh, mom. Cause I don't have to put anything on it."

Huh? Did he just say that? LOL. Needless to say, tonight was the makings of a fond memory. I so enjoyed these moments with my son, without any contention in our home.

Even the Crazy Dog got in on the action and was begging for some.

Great NorthWest Sunsets!

Nothing compares to these! Check my Flickr for more.

OK, OK, I'll do it, too! ~Memories...

Here are the rules:
1. Add a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember!
2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you. If you don't want to play on your blog, or if you don't have a blog, I'll leave my memory of you in my comments. I can't wait to see what people remember.

Politically Correct. Respect. Truth. Fact. Opinion. Debate.

More to come! This is so I can remember my thought process when I get home from work... ;)
7/25/08

OK, I am not sure I in the frame of mind to fully do justice to this topic(s). I feel very passionate about it, but right now, putting any passion into much of anything is a little challenging. So, my goal is to complete this posting by the end of the weekend.
7/26/08


Oh yeah, I also need to post 2 "Disclaimers". I want to have them done by the end of this weekend as well. - Done

HELP! I'm talking and I can't shut up!

It must be hereditary. I got it from my son... But wait, he's adopted. So what is my excuse? ;o)

About 3-4 years ago I had taken The Little Man with me to a HFPEnrichment night at the church. It was one of the ones where we were having a very "spiritual" lesson. There was no nursery provided as they were either on one of their kicks of "trying to get husbands to step up and take care of their children so the wife could have some spiritual strengthening" or they just couldn't get someone for a nursery. The Man Who Has My Heart was either working or in school.

So here I am with The Little Man... He is bouncing off the walls (almost quite literally). I am doing the best I can to entertain him and keep him in check so that the other sisters aren't missing out... and trying to get a little myself.

I leaned down and told him, "Can you please try to be quiet so Mommy can listen?" He is at the point of his "devil laugh" where I know once he hits that, it is all over.

So, he responds right back to me and can't stop laughing while he blurts it out so that EVERYONE in the room can hear it, "HELP! I'm talking and I can't shut up!" and keeps repeating it over and over. I instantly heard snickers from all of the women in the room.

At this point, >I< lost it. I could not contain myself. I promptly picked him up and walked out the door. In the hallway I am laughing so hard that I missed seeing the sister try to stop me and tell me that he was fine and not to worry about him. I went home and from then on, they had a nursery.

More Commute...

This is a common view in the morning as we come down the hill from Lake Stevens and get on to the Trestle. This is a thin layer of fog. If you look carefully, you might be able to see some cows grazing in there. Sometimes it is on both sides of the Trestle, other times it is one or the other. This morning it was all on the North side and didn't go past the first river to the West. What is really amazing is the mornings that you come down the hill and feel like you are driving on a cloud because the fog is so dense up around the Trestle.











Here is the first of the 3 rivers. It is actually all the Snohomish River that loops around and and also seems to have irrigation canals for the Island. I do know that it rises and falls with the tide. I was amazed at how calm the water was this morning. You will also see the fog that sits just over the ridge. I guess there has been a long history of the Snohomish river actually flooding. The Man Who Has My Heart was a part of a volunteer group that came and threw sand bags just on the other side of the road (behind where I am taking the shot from) during one of the floods. The Trestle was built because of the frequency of flooding.




This is a shot of part of Ebey Island and is just on the other side of the East part of the river. You will note that there is no fog.





The vegetation is really this dense every where that hasn't been cleared for farming, grazing, buildings, roads and houses. It is so green! I love it!

This is the far West part, or 3rd part, of the river that we cross. It is by far the busiest with boat traffic. There are boat houses, cargo boats, barges, etc that frequent this part of the water. I am still amazed at how calm the water was this morning. It was so peaceful. I love looking at the bridge supports to see how high or low the tide is along here. This morning the tide was in, but it was not the fullest I have seen it. In the center of the shot, but slightly left, there is a post sticking out of the water with a crude, huge, white sign with letters that say "NO WAKE!" I think this must be some one's residence and they were tired of having careless boaters "rock the boat."



This is a shot close to the bus depot. I was hoping to capture how many trees there still are in the city, with this shot. This doesn't do it justice. It is really beautiful here. I love living here. Even in the heavily populated areas, there are thick forested parks or lots that make it feel like you aren't really in the city.

This shot is back towards home from the city (OK, maybe a little South of home). The sun was out bright this morning. Definitely not a day for the Cullen family to visit. ;o) This shot was after Will went to the bus depot as I was stopped at a traffic light and in a constructions zone.







This last shot is in the afternoon on the drive back home. There are so many breath taking views to see here.

The Commute

So, the Little Man is not ever quite awake when we leave for work in the morning and take him to daycare. My camera had just been emptied on to Flickr Saturday and emptied last night so I had to take some more on the drive to work this morning. Being that The Man Who Has My Heart drives till we get to the bus station, I am free to take picture, sleep, put on make-up, whatever I want... ;)































The house you see is one that is just off the main road we travel on that used to be surrounded by more trees. They have really fixed it up. They tore down a bunch of the trees to put in a major housing development behind and around it. I have always envisioned that this would be like the house that Bella lived in with her dad in Forks. It isn't the shot I was hoping for, but hey, when you are in traffic, you never know if it is going to be slow or fast pace.













The almost missed shot of the river is actually the middle of 3 that we cross on the Trestle. The only one that I actually know the name of the river is the Snohomish River. In this shot I was trying to catch the shot with the 1/2 sunk boat that is in the river that seems to have been left there as an scuba exploration thing, I guess. When the tide is out, you can see how deep in the mud part of the boat is. I will try again tomorrow to actually get the shot I want!.

Anger and Hurt...

So, how do I get to a point where this sick feeling of HATE and anger I have goes away? I don't like being angry. I don't want to choose to be bitter. I keep telling myself that once a certain 15 year old is moved out, my mother-in-law's house is sold and no longer rented to the dead, I no longer have to have ANYTHING to do with those teenagers. I will be able to heal. At least from this wound.

As I think through this and ponder, the answer comes that I need to pray for her (the one who is dead to me). Pray for what for her? Can I do that and have my heart softened and still not be sucked dry again, allowing myself and family to be hurt again? Can my heart be softened and still keep a safe boundary? Can it be softened and heal at the same time? Can I trust myself that much? If my heart is softened and I can actually feel love for her, again, will it be possible to keep a solid barrier between us that keeps her out of my life? Can you love someone and still not like them? Can you love them and still choose not to have anything to do with them?

I know what SHE is capable of. I know how toxic she is and how she destroys peace. In her presence, without words, if she is angry with anyone (it's that way MOST of the time), everyone in her presence can feel it. A sickening tension that is so thick that it chases away all calm.

She has to want for better. She can not be forced to change. I know this. In her stubbornness, she has made it very clear that she will not listen to anything that anyone else has to say unless it suits her liking. I know she is mentally sick, but I also understand through my own life experiences that Heavenly Father allows us to have these challenges, and we still have the ability to choose what to do with them.

Our choices will make these challenges either easier or harder depending on if it is right or wrong. And the more choices that we make that are wrong, the harder it will be to start making right choices - kind of like choosing to go down a path that you know isn't the right one (maybe thinking you can figure out a shortcut), but going down it none-the-less. And the more you continue to go down that wrong path instead of choosing to go back to get to the right path, the further away you become. The further from the goal and the harder it will be… I have been there...

Even as I have been typing this I have been fighting tears. I don't want to be plagued by anger and hatred. I know that that would also be allowing her to destroy me. It would be welcoming the adversary to be a part of my life. I know it is wrong. Ugh! It hurts! I don't want to feel this heart ache anymore! I don't want to be subjected to more hurt. I want to do the right thing for myself and my family. I want to do what the Savior would have me do and I know that this anger takes me further from Him.

Links...

here and here are links to some discussions I have engaged in on the subject of the Twilight series. I also realize that I am not just ga ga over Edward, but I really like Bella. Her simpleness is beautiful to me.

I am glad she met Edward. I know that though she has had so little guidance when it comes to many things in life, Edward is one who can gently teach her. He is a man of morals. I love Edward's family. I especially like Dr. Cullen and Alice. I feel that if they were real people, I would natuarally be drawn to both of them. :o)

Living in the North West, I hope to convince my husband to let us plan a family trip to Forks and LaPush. There is a lady in my new ward that has made a trip there and has pictures on a blog, but I have not found her blog, yet. I love the climate here and it is very similar to what is described in the books. If I can get up there, I plan to take pictures and post them here.

The picture here doesn't do justice to the beauty that I see here everyday. This is one of the rivers that I cross to go to work everyday. The trees are so dense everywhere here. It is amazing!

What a rush!

We just watched the DVD of the movie, Penelope (good movie). When I bought it I hadn't even realized that there is a special preview for Twilight on it! Ugh! The ache that caused. That rush in seeing Edward!

It is amazing to me just how true the images in my head are in regards to what Stephanie Meyers has envisioned. I can almost feel as Bella would feel in being dizzy and like I have lost my breath. The actor playing Edward couldn't be anymore perfect.

Really, I don't care that he is hard and cold. It is almost invigorating. Ahh... Still I must wait until December. What a Christmas that will be! And of course, the count down to Breaking Dawn! 12 days and counting!

Reading...

So, I am having a hard time getting into The Host... Does it pick up after a while?

Worm Song

For those who are not familiar with the Worm Song, here is a web site with a variety of versions.
http://kids.niehs.nih.gov/lyrics/worms.htm

I used to have looser "friends" who would use the first lines of this song to make me feel sorry for them. It's a whole passive aggressive thing... "If I make you feel sorry for me and then get compliments... Then I don't have to look like I am looking for the compliments." Ugh.

OK, I am a little "on one" today. Something to do with an ungrateful teenager who no matter how much she is given, she still wants more. It is NEVER enough. AND she tries to make you feel like she has been taken advantage of by you instead of vice versa. Truth is, she does stuff to "help" because she wants something and expects to get something even if she wasn't asked to do it in the first place. It all is to suit her.

Unfortunately she will find out the hard way that she will never be happy on the course she is on. Most likely, she will end up divorced and on welfare the rest of her life because she will forever be blaming someone else for her problems.

Seeing how I have no blood relation to her and she has made it very clear that she does not want to be a part of our family, I believe I truly need to find a way to seperate myself from her. I do not want to be a part of the whole drama in her world. I hope for her to figure it out, but I can not continue to be sucked into her wants.

Pitty Party (NOT AN INVITATION!!!)

I'll be the first to admit that I have had my share of pity parties through out my life, but come on… I am referring to our career pity partiers. Those who choose it as a way of life. I am so sick of people who live in pity parties and are now to the point that they think they have to have them thrown for them. Like they have some entitlement to have it. They want nothing more out of life than to live in one big pity party! And what makes that even worse? Those people reproducing and raising their young to become just like them or even better masters of the art… (Art? Is that the right word? How about the craft? Like witch craft? What is the word I am looking for, here?)

Imagine the following said in the whiny voices from these people that we all hear it from all the time! Come on... I know we all have met these kinds of people (or maybe even some of us have been or presently are these kind of people.); -"My life is so hard. I have the worst luck in the world. Nobody loves me. I don't have any friends (maybe it is because you keep using them up!). Why can't someone just give me a break? Why do I have to go through this all the time? How come they get everything they want and not me? Why don't other people have it suck as bad as me?" (Misery loves company?) Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

They say that they want independence and want to become self sufficient, but they really don't. They would rather ask for hand outs or for someone to constantly give them a break. They would rather suck society dry by moving from one person until that person is empty and then it is on to the next. (Sound like a none vegetarian vampire to you? Does to me.) Meanwhile, they are still complaining. And what are they doing to contribute??? Oh, I would say about as little as they have to or can get away with. And to top it off they try to set the terms for everything and want the world's morals and standards to revolve around them!

As I am dealing with my own leech right now that I am trying to get rid of or at least to stop enabling to suck me dry, the thought went through my mind, "Nobody loves me. Everybody hates me. Think I'll go eat worms..." And what do I have to say to that?!?!?! "Heck! Have all the worms you want! But you will have to find them first. Go get yourself the tools to dig them up and then do it yourself. But... don't expect anyone to sit around and watch you eat them! You have had too many opportunities given to you to help you to overcome your rough circumstances. Just because you choose not to be responsible does not make you my responsibility!"

And the whole ,"I have the worst luck"? Hello!!!!
Do you think spending your money on booze and then totally your car and harming an innocent individual(s) is bad luck?
Your living space gets broken into and all your stuff is stolen. Could it have something to do with the fact that you left the door unlocked or even better, yet, the door wide open?
You go in late to work every day and you are wasted on drugs while you are there and your boss has to let you go… Hmm What do you think?!?!

I was also thinking about how Bella in this book really does not want Edwards money. She wants to be able to do things on her own. THAT is someone who is self sufficient. And that is why she has attracted someone who is financially secure because he is not going to be sucked "dry". Ahhhh! HAH! OK, I am done with my spouting for the moment.

Something I want MY leech to learn is a little poem that I found inspiring while I was a teenager and has been a source to kick me in the hiny every once in a while since then. ;)


Outside my window a new day I see,
and only I can determine what kind of day it will be.

It can be busy and sunny, laughing and gay,
or boring and cold, unhappy and gray.

My own state of mind is the determining key,
for I’m only the person I’ll let myself be.

I can be thoughtful and do all I can to help,
or be selfish and think just of myself.

I can enjoy what I do and make it seem fun,
or gripe and complain and make it hard on someone.

I can be patient with those who may not understand
or belittle and hurt them as much as I can.

But I have faith in myself, and believe what I say,
and I personally intend to make the best of each day.

author unknown

Escape

Ahhhh! I figured out part of what the addiction is. It is the escape from MY reality. It is to get out of my soap opera and to focus on fantasy.... The stuff dreams are made of... I find myself desperately longing for that escape! I guess I am going to have to break down and read The Host. (Wow! Didn't even take my therapists to point that out. Figured it all out on my own. LOL!)

Now if I could just get to the point of transitioning that to being of service to others like I am supposed to... To get out of myself and focus on others.... Some times it is just so hard... Feeling so empty and like there is nothing left to give... Or nothing to refill myself... My doing, I suppose. Guess I am needing to recognize that maybe in doing for others that it might refill my need? Dunno. Some things to think about. Also need to recognize where I am putting that service... Is it in areas that will leave me drained and empty because of the giving never being enough? Where is it that I need to be of service? What would the Saviour have me do?

Withdrawals!!!!!

OK, this really sucks. I have to wait a month still... It is making me a bit crazy... Been thinking about all of them. I want to hear more about what is happening. I was so thrilled to hear that Stephanie Meyers is not done with Twilight. As she has time available, she is writing another book in the Twilight series. It will be the original Twilight book based all from Edward's perspective. I am really excited to see what happens there. Stephanie says there is so much more that is going on from Edward's point of view than from Bella's... Ahhh! To get into that boy's head! hmmmmm. He is soooo..

OK. Back to reality. I was looking at my Little Man at church today and noticed the slightly amber tint to his eyes... And those gorgeous long lashes. Maybe that is part of why I like Edward so much. I love my son to peices and of course I think my son is adorable... Almost dreamy. ;) Cept the Little Man has a long way to go before he could be much more like Edward. He might have to become a vampire and live that long before he could get control of his non stop jabber. ;)

Movie Scenes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_84TjWkkDN0 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxLt2fAT-6E&feature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pW73zlFRqtU&feature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kyjuZz6JXeo&feature=related

So, it looks like they are already filming stuff for the next movie....

Darn Novel!

OK, first, I am not a blogger... Not really. And I really don't read that much... Not something I do obsessively. . . Not really. So who is the one to blame for this? Who do I blame for this torture? Oh, yeah! That would be the mother of the Sea Monkeys! And I don't even like Vampires!!!!! I'm not Goth. -Never have been. Blood freaks me out! Those kind of people freak me out... How can they wear all that black and live like they are so depressed? I fight depression enough on my own without having to add looking like ?I am dead?

OK, so hear is my confession... I am obsessed about a book about... Vampires (Twilight series by Stephanie Meyers) http://www.stepheniemeyer.com/twilight.html ! So, they are "Vegetarian Vampires", meaning they don't drink human blood. Eeeewwwww! Blood drinkers period grouses me out! But I am in-love with this book series! I am in-love with the characters. - But they aren't even real and never could be real.

I can not believe I have to wait until August for the next book. That is so not fair! I want to know what is going to happen. I find myself speculating about what will happen. Is Edward really going to keep up his end of the deal? Will we get to hear about Bella living in the first few years as a vampire? What is going to happen with Jacob? Will Jacob stay as a Werewolf and come back to be Bella's "pet" just so he can be loved by her? Will Jacob find his true love?

And for those who may question, I am still mad at Jacob for being so ruthless to Bella. She is insecure enough as it is. The was a nasty trick to pull on her. And for her to see how her life with him would be and then to have that draw of their children... Completely unfair. I do like Edward more for Bella. When he left, I was mad at him for a while... But he is back now.

OK, I am completely lame. These people don't even exist! I have enough of a soap opera life without having to dwell on any characters in a book. Why is it that this stupid book has its grasp on me the way it does? I am going to end up in 5 more years of therapy just to figure out why I am so obsessed with this book.

So, I am hoping people who have read this book will engage in conversation about it and hopefully we can all find out the reason for its draw. Yeah, hearing that the mother of the Sea Monkeys read the first book 8 times, I think she has issues, too. ;) And being that we are sisters, does that make the issues genetic? Is it our upbringing? Our mother read it, does she have obsession issues with it?

I finished eclipse tonight. I stayed up till 3 this morning trying to finish it... Then I slept till noon and had to rush to get to the BBQ we were supposed to be at then. Do I go back and read all 3, again? Will that help? I have Stephanie Meyers new book The Host. I am afraid of it being a disappointment after the vampire stories.

So, can vampires be fat? Is that my obsession with it? Do I want to secretly be a vampire so that I can have that perfect body? Ugh! I want that body! AND I want to cool feeling. I hate to be hot. And, the whole preference to vampires over werewolves, is that along the lines of my preference of cats over dogs? Being that the vampires are more cat like? I would love to be a cat! I like how flexible they are.

I could totally see my son being Edward. The Little Man has such a complex about being small, when I wish that I had that child's energy and metabolism. At 8 years old, he already has a 6 pack and can eat whatever he wants. He thinks he isn't strong because he is small and has zero fat on his body. It is all muscle!

Maybe my obsession with this book has to do with relating to the characters and wanting to be more like them... I can not reproduce with my body. Any children I have will be adopted... I can understand that love that happens without having to have the same genetics or giving birth/life.

OK, this is getting a little out of control for the first post in a blog and not being a blogger.. ;)