Anger and Hurt...

So, how do I get to a point where this sick feeling of HATE and anger I have goes away? I don't like being angry. I don't want to choose to be bitter. I keep telling myself that once a certain 15 year old is moved out, my mother-in-law's house is sold and no longer rented to the dead, I no longer have to have ANYTHING to do with those teenagers. I will be able to heal. At least from this wound.

As I think through this and ponder, the answer comes that I need to pray for her (the one who is dead to me). Pray for what for her? Can I do that and have my heart softened and still not be sucked dry again, allowing myself and family to be hurt again? Can my heart be softened and still keep a safe boundary? Can it be softened and heal at the same time? Can I trust myself that much? If my heart is softened and I can actually feel love for her, again, will it be possible to keep a solid barrier between us that keeps her out of my life? Can you love someone and still not like them? Can you love them and still choose not to have anything to do with them?

I know what SHE is capable of. I know how toxic she is and how she destroys peace. In her presence, without words, if she is angry with anyone (it's that way MOST of the time), everyone in her presence can feel it. A sickening tension that is so thick that it chases away all calm.

She has to want for better. She can not be forced to change. I know this. In her stubbornness, she has made it very clear that she will not listen to anything that anyone else has to say unless it suits her liking. I know she is mentally sick, but I also understand through my own life experiences that Heavenly Father allows us to have these challenges, and we still have the ability to choose what to do with them.

Our choices will make these challenges either easier or harder depending on if it is right or wrong. And the more choices that we make that are wrong, the harder it will be to start making right choices - kind of like choosing to go down a path that you know isn't the right one (maybe thinking you can figure out a shortcut), but going down it none-the-less. And the more you continue to go down that wrong path instead of choosing to go back to get to the right path, the further away you become. The further from the goal and the harder it will be… I have been there...

Even as I have been typing this I have been fighting tears. I don't want to be plagued by anger and hatred. I know that that would also be allowing her to destroy me. It would be welcoming the adversary to be a part of my life. I know it is wrong. Ugh! It hurts! I don't want to feel this heart ache anymore! I don't want to be subjected to more hurt. I want to do the right thing for myself and my family. I want to do what the Savior would have me do and I know that this anger takes me further from Him.